Reflections of a broken heart

“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”

{Psalm 51: 17}

 

Sometimes, it would take a deep heartbreak for you to realize your selfishness. That pride, which has stolen the joy of your salvation. That greed, which you’ve taken care of for such a long time. Indeed, God cannot be mocked. He sees the hearts of men… the darkness of one’s soul. I thought, I was okay with Him. Not until He exposed the darkest secret I thought was gone long ago. It had been a tiny seed, I was always trying to uproot all by myself. These past few days, it got left unchecked and then, just before I knew it, I myself had been eaten up by the voracious weed inside my heart.

What happened just recently left a deep wound not only in my heart, but also in the heart of another and of others. But it may have been necessary… so that I’ll know. But it was really painful. So painful that I thought of taking my life. I got depressed. I felt hopeless. The Words of my Lord I found hard to believe. Who can be forgiven for such  a detestable thing? I hated myself. I regret having been born. No comfort from friends could make me feel okay.

In my brokenness, I found my Lord weeping with me. Saying comforting words while He was also in agony. In agony for my sin, for what I’ve done, for my rebellion. I found Him, taking with me the pain… sorrowful and yet filled with hope for me. That’s how much He loves me. That love, took me closer to Him. That love, which I still cannot comprehend until now.

Now, I realized, I’ve forgotten my first love. I’ve been chasing after Him, yes, I know that for myself…but most of the time, I wasn’t aware that I am also chasing after people who I thought could also fulfill the love I was looking for. I realized, He had not been enough. I realized, I loved my brethren more than I loved Him.

Now, this scar I’ve written in my wrist should remind me of what I’ve done. More importantly, this would remind me of His unfailing love. That He remained faithful even when I was not…that He was still chasing after me while I was running after people… That He was preserving my life when I wanted to take it away.

The pain is still here, right now. But I know, it would not remain forever. There is healing in Jesus. By His wounds, I am healed.

“But He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

~Isaiah 53:5~

 

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Grace like rain

Have mercy on me O God

According to your unfailing love

According to your great compassion

Blot out my transgressions

Wash all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin

For I know my transgressions

and my sin is always before me

Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight

so you are right in your verdict

and justified when you judge.

-Psalm 51:1-4-

Have mercy on me, O God. For I am a sinner. A wretched woman, not worthy of forgiveness. I  have done what is evil in Your sight— such a detestable thing. My heart is wringing with pain knowing that I’ve hurt a person so much, but more importantly, for hurting you.

Through the mercy and grace of Your Son, Jesus Christ, who loved me and gave Himself up for me, I come to Your throne…humbly asking for forgiveness. I turn away from the sin which had eaten me up for a long time. I want to believe that Your wounds have healed me. And I am sorry, that You died for me, an unworthy sinner. You are God. The Holy God in the Heavens. Who am I? That You, the Most Holy God, reached down for me, a speck of dust, a worm. Who am I? To deserve such love? I am no one. But in Your eyes, I am precious. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In Your eyes, I am worthy.

Such grace and mercy I do not deserve. What can I offer? I can only offer this broken heart. I surrender. Lord, take over my life. Apart from You, I can do nothing. Apart from You, I am worthless. Apart from You, I do not have hope.

May there not be a day which I would take for granted…Every day, I want to live for You. So help me, God.

This is my prayer, in the name of the Most Holy God and Savior, my Lord– Jesus Christ.

-Kath

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